hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize