i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
