so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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