Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
