Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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