8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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