I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
