what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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