I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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