Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
