I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
