It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
