You smell like a Billy Joel song
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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