u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
