how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
