i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
