i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
