Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
