Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
