You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
