I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize