the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
