I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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