Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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