She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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