remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
