you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
