I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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