If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
