so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
