can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
