I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
