Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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