New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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