Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
