Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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