Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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