I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
