I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Drunk is a universal language darling
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
