Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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