You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
