it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
