your room smells of hookers.
And success
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize