you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
