I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
