my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize