onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
