My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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