So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
