someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
