i just wanna soil my oats bro
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
