If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
