This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's rum buckets o'clock
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
