do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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