around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize