just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
