my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Houston, we have a blender
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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