The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
